fashion

Since when did everyone get so obsessed with fashion? I know I shouldn’t be the one asking this considering I chose my current job mainly because I don’t wanna wear a uniform and second, can’t pass out on the free clothes.

Whatever happened to the good old simple days when we used to wear the same things? A clean pair of flip flops and a nice fit jeans, they used to be trendy, they used to be the thing. I don’t even have the slightest idea how it got replaced by chunky shoes, boots, wedges and skirts (with all its kind). When did our country, made up of 7,107 islands started to become aware of fashion? Should I blame it on technology? Whoever the fuck started the #ootd hashtag surely made it trend globally and magically, a lot of our citizens own gadgets that let’s us find and view this 4 lettered hashtag.

You know what’s disturbing about this whole fashion thing is when you see 13 year olds buying tower high shoes that I can’t even afford to see my feet wearing (coz it obviously screams torture even if it gives your legs a more slender look) and I always wonder where they’re going to wear it. Funny, coz I see them wear it in malls. Should we also blame society on this one? Have we become so obsessed with looking good on the outside regardless of the occasion that we managed to fuck up this generation and turn them into young fashion wannabes? Coz as they say, what kids see adults do they do it too. Is today’s generation a mirror of what we have become? And should I really be blaming fashion for these preposterous thoughts that I’ve come up with while I was fumigating in the shower?

But you see it’s not really just 13 year olds bugging me about fashion, also women around my age. This society had gone up from boring and simple to spontaneous and obnoxious. When did these women come up with the idea that the world is our runway and that the best revenge is to look good and fabulous just in case you run into your worst enemy? Are we being so into fashion because we want to show other people how better we are than someone else? Isn’t that a little too self-centered? Selfish? Bitchy? And lastly plain pathetic! Why did fashion suddenly turn to a competition? Ok so here’s an example. I know this girl who claims to be a “fashionista” who from time to time passes by the store, strutting whatever it is she’s wearing and trying to rub it in my face how good she thinks she looks. She does this to try to bruise my ego when all she really does is increase the build up of turmoil I’m feeling inside me because all I see is just a wannabe. I know I’m being all judgmental and shit but I can’t help it, I’m sick of all these people being so obsessed with fashion and trying to be so knowledgeable about it.

I mean, why has this country become so into fashion that sometimes they lose a part of themselves slowly without even realizing it? Have we become so obsessed with dressing up that we haven’t noticed how little by little we strip off a part of our selves, as we get lost into it? I’m not gonna come clean on this one because I’ve been a part of this obsession too and is still on the recovering part. I’m not even sure if there’s a cure but, one thing I’m sure about, I’ve been wearing a lot of me lately and I feel just as fabulous as how I used to be. 

So let me end my blog post by stating this...

Style will always win over fashion!

(If you seriously don't know the difference between the two, honey, you are a wannabe!)

-Nel

Of Fork Roads and Mishaps

Shit, I'm not even sure how to start this so the first word kind of filled my point.

I've had countless of times that unconsciously slipped away when my head and hands itch to post something here. My lazy monsters still manage to control my life on some days. But, not today, yes, I say not today. So let's just get this done and over with coz I am about to exaggerate my intro.

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I have been asking myself this lately: "If you had to go back, what will you change?" My answer to that is uncertain, half of me wanted to change everything and do things the right way. But then, things wouldn't be the same now. The other half of me feels contented in a surprising way. Coz no matter how many fuck ups I've done along the way, those things honed me to being who and what I am now. If I change things and had to do it all over again, will I like what I'm fated to become? Will I still have the chance to meet the people that had become a part of me? But it just all boils down to a simple conclusion: I still don't know what I want up to now. At the age of 26, shouldn't I be able to tell and know what I want to do with my life? I feel like I've skipped the phase where you realize what dreams you wanted to turn into a reality. I've dealt with a lot of fork roads and I always manage to choose the wrong path. I am about to do that once again. By the end of this month I need to pick a choice between a realized dream or a certain future. You know what sucks the most about this, is the fact that I want it both. I've been asking for a blessing and now that it had happened, I don't even know how I'm supposed to deal with it. 

This year had been nothing but a roller coaster of blessings and bullshit. I feel like I've been solving endless conundrums and I only end up burned out everytime I try to figure out something. Shouldn't I feel lucky at this point? I am able to go through all these bullshit and turn it into a blessing.

Ok, again, I should just sit nonchalantly and wait for things to happen...

-Nel

31st anniv letter

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know I maybe be a little late but, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! 

I wrote this to tell you how grateful I am to have cool parents like you. I feel so blessed that God made me a part of this crazy family. I know I've given you a lot of disappointments and shame. I may have even failed you countless of times but, amidst these failures and setbacks, I still feel blessed coz every time I fail at something, HE reminds me of you, HE reminds me of the greatest gift HE had given me. A dozen of times, running away from our family had plagued me. Thinking I don't deserve to be a part of it. Every time I hurt you, I feel a part of me dying crucially. I know I've ruined what could've been a bright future for me, but still, you guys are still beside me, picking up the pieces of my life that had shattered years ago... still helping me to recover from the disastrous events that I've led my life into. I also made a dozen promises that I wasn't able to fulfill, but you still trusted me. You've taught me to move on, to start all over again and not dwell on painful memories coz it will just be forgotten in the long run. You also taught me that nothing is ever too late to be done again, that it's always the best idea to make new beginnings. But I've also come to realize that that's what's wrong with me, I start things but never manage to finish it. I always take a u-turn and go back to the beginning only to be left with the sharp fangs of regret harassing me. I am always fighting with my own demons but they seem to win most of the time. I even got used to being labelled as the black sheep and rebel of this family, but you've never made me feel that way, it was always the other way around when it comes to you. I've always felt special and loved. I guess what other people think of me doesn't really matter that much, they weren't the ones who raised me anyway so why should I even bother diba? I know I've been a little secretive with my life since I've "grown up", but I am only like this because I only wanted to spare you from the bad decisions and choices I've made. I don't want to cause you more pain and hurt. Coz to be honest, I myself, don't even have the slightest idea what is wrong with me... I just know and feel that there really is something that went sour. I am forever trying to figure that out. I've always wanted to be successful, to be someone you will be proud of. But, I guess I was too occupied trying to be one and ended up being successful in failures instead. I never took things slowly coz I've always had the feeling that time is running out on me. It had become my worst enemy. I've always gone the easy way, and it is only now that the effect took its toll on me. 

I wrote this email because I'm not really vocal when it comes to these things. I am scared that if I start to talk to you about these kind of stuff, the strong exterior I've carefully built would come crashing down to bits and pieces the moment I open my mouth. I am scared of my future, I sometimes feel that it will never come. But then, seeing you, seeing our family, I know and I am assured that good things will also come my way, well not too soon, but I know it will come. It is bound to come. 

You, my parents, I consider you as my silver lining in my own dark cloud. I know that everything will be fine. I trust HIM, coz I was brought up well. That no matter how many times I fuck up, I know that something better is also bound to happen. I couldn't thank you enough for the life that you had given me. Also your patience and trust. You guys weren't just someone I call my parents, you were also my friend, my cheerleaders... my life coach. You also used to be my drinking buddies!!! You are the greatest blessing HE had given me. Sobrang thank you, the best talaga kayo!!! I had to end it this way coz I feel I'm being too overly dramatic! I LOVE YOU GOONS.

Forever your Ginggunggang,

      Janel

P.S.

Goodluck figuring out how to share this on cyberspace especially you mami!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

P.S. 2

I wrote this nung monday and I failed to send it yesterday dahil nanuod ako ng movie ni Daniel Padilla and Kathryn Bernardo!!! Fail na fail lang!!! 

next stop...

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You know how some people get scared when they get really happy, coz they feel that the consequences of too much bliss is the total opposite of it? Like having won the lottery and when you've claimed your price you get robbed and lose all of it. I am one of these people. I get scared when I feel euphoria coz swimming inside my mind is what's going to happen next... What bad thing is bound to happen. It's really cliche to say and admit that our life is just like a wheel. Good thing today, bad thing tomorrow. Just goes round in circles. Irony exists, you can't runaway from it. Only thing that amazes me about this cycle is when you get used to it that it becomes normal to you. There's always that scary part that will surprise you. And on a different story, this may be one of the reasons why I hate surprises. Not that I'm being a pessimist, but it's just a consistent phase. But on a brighter side, there is always a silver lining. After the good, follows the bad, then it turns to good again. Simple as a chess board, there's the white part and beside it is the black one. Vice versa. And there's always that tiny hope in wishing for things to get better. And I'm pretty sure that things will really get better at the end. If the good doesn't last, keep in mind that the bad doesn't either.  If tomorrow doesn't get better, there's 365 days in a year, you've lots of time to wait and hope for it. If it gets bad now, just let it linger for a while, it shall pass. I've gotten so used to this, that it doesn't scare me that much. I said not much... Coz it still does and will always do, it's just that the impact of the bad thing had become something normal that I sometimes even wait for it to hit me. 

So as for me, I'd just like to sit nonchalantly, cold tea on my left hand, smokes on my right hand... And wait for things to happen. Never to escape, but wait for it to come.

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-Nel