How can you just fucking wake up one day and feel empty? You wonder what caused it. Was it the dinner you had last night? Was it spoiled? Expired? Stretched out the best before date? You try to revive that feeling only to end up in deep misery. But you know what’s worse? You fucking know how to end it but you’re scared shit to do it. Because how do you end it, how do you end something that changed you and something you have been so used to? It hurts to hold on and try fucking hard to be reasonable when deep, deep inside you know you have to kill it before it kills you. It’s fucking cowardice to hold on because the sharp fangs of guilt is suffocating you. But really, what are you holding on to? The memories? Promises? Also, the pathetic reason of avoiding judgement from people around you. It’s like having that urge to vomit after eating a $30 meal. You try to keep it in but it only makes you feel worse inside. You fucking keep it in for what you think is its worth. It’s pathetic! You keep questioning yourself why you keep on prolonging the agony. But really, how do you end it? How do you end something like this? Or is it reasonable enough to stay just to etch away that feeling of guilt? Because you’d only end up hurting yourself. Masochism? Does it still make sense? Or will it ever make sense? But really, why am I still trying to hold on when I know that it has been dead before I even admitted it point blank? How am I supposed to move on when I can’t even let go of what has been dead a long time? When you’re nonchalantly trying to live like how everything is supposed to be. It’s pathetic!
-Nel
-Nel
