5years

Sometimes, no matter how strong we are, we shatter like pieces of a broken mirror too. You try to be strong  and when you let that tiny emotion get the best of you, you breakdown and it almost feels impossible to stop. 

I guess I'm just getting fed up waiting to be prioritized again. It's hard to break old habits especially when you're really so used and familiar with it. You make excuses for your misery when in reality you just can't handle the truth. Coz the truth is blind and insensitive. Everything just feels so normal to him, but you're just there, like a pretending mute, not being able to tell all the fuckery you've been feeling and suppressing. Why you choose to be in that state is because of one reason: YOU'RE SCARED. Scared that if he finds out what's plaguing you, it would also trigger his senses that there's really something wrong. Everything would just be messier and more complicated as it is. 

Are things just being played slowly, prolonging the agony? I'd rather face one swift blow. Slow, fast, the impact is just gonna be the same. 

-Nel

Que sera, sera...

I know I will never get used to changes. 

I will always have a hard time embracing it. It really sucks that I am forever letting myself be buried in the past and as preposterous as it may sound, I always end up sulking and drowning in regret. This is something I've been trying to get rid of. Coz what would be the point getting stuck in something that happened years ago? Should I just blame accumulated memories? Someone once told me that memories are cheap. So this might probably be one of the reasons why I keep holding on to it. Why even bother holding on to something cheap right? Well, this cheapness is irreplaceable. It's not something you can take away from someone and consider it as yours. Memories are built through time, through experience. I might still be holding on because everything was just so fucking good at that time. Good and simple. Who wouldn't want a taste of that again? The more I direct myself to the future, the more I cringe and shiver. My future is as blurry as the rivers of Manila. Dark and irreparable. As to why it's in that state is because of me. Bad decisions. Bad, stupid decisions. Funny how I like getting stuck in the past when it was the reason why my future is uncertain.

But what the fuck right?

Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be!

Adios for now bitches!

-Nel

GOING BACK...

Why do I have this aching and uneasy feeling that I am once again going back to the start? I still haven't gotten over the damages that I've done. The scars of the past still sting like everything's still fresh. I thought I've gotten over it, but surprisingly, times like this happen. It still hits me occasionally and with no warning. It sucks. I hate this. I will forever hate this. Shouldn't I have gotten over this since I've already accepted that I will forever be the one to blame? I am the only one responsible for what I've done. Bad decisions. Why am I even letting it linger in my thoughts? I can't even put an end to it. I'm starting to believe that for as long as I am alive and breathing, the monster that I am suppressing will always find it's way to come out and haunt me, or even worse, take over me. This is seriously fucked up. Once again I'm left without a solution to end this bullshit. 

Why am I still even holding on to something that I know will never come? Miracles do happen, but in my case is it even possible for it to be laid down in front of me? Do I even deserve it? Everything is so fucked up again. Everything is so uncertain and blurry. I can't even see a spark of hope at the end of this tunnel. I can't come up with a sensible and possible solution to end this shit as of now. I am not even bothered if this too, like the old days, will pass. Should I let this monster linger for awhile? 

Being smacked straight in the face with disappointments isn't even something new to me. At this point in my life shouldn't I be naturally used to this? I could resurrect all the buried memories all I want but it won't change anything. It won't make things better and bearable. I keep on running away from it only to find out that it's waiting to embrace me at the end of the race. Like there's no escaping it. 

This is a fucked up cycle. 

There's nothing left for me to do but wait for that silver lining. My own silver lining.

-Nel

BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

So how the fuck do you do this again?

As always I've resorted to blog abandonment again. So sorry.

Anyhow, what has been going on with my life these days? Hmmm, let's see...

I quit my job last November and I've been a full time student since then. And hopefully this will be my last sem to complete every units I need to acquire a diploma. Back to student life once again. Missed it like I don't really mean it. This was bound to happen anyways so why should I let it bother me? I got my weekends and holidays back so no need to feel upset. No room for drama at this point of my life. 

The end of 2013 surprisingly was such a blur. And half of 2014 had gone by without me being conscious about it. So time really does fly fast when you're old. Or I wasn't really just paying attention lately. Yup, the latter would be the best explanation. I just let the days, hours, minutes, seconds pass by... usually dumbfounded. I just wish this won't cause my brain cells to deteriorate. 

Anyhoo, a few hours ago I booked our flight to the Maple Land. First time to book online. Also the first time to book a flight. And with this I feel like a genius. Seriously. It's like I've acquired some sort of knowledge. Such a grown up thing to do.

I feel that I should just put an end to this post as it looks like I am way to bored to explain whatever shit is inside my head. I'm sorry blog. I'll be back soon... not promising though.

Adios minions!

-Nel