5years

Sometimes, no matter how strong we are, we shatter like pieces of a broken mirror too. You try to be strong  and when you let that tiny emotion get the best of you, you breakdown and it almost feels impossible to stop. 

I guess I'm just getting fed up waiting to be prioritized again. It's hard to break old habits especially when you're really so used and familiar with it. You make excuses for your misery when in reality you just can't handle the truth. Coz the truth is blind and insensitive. Everything just feels so normal to him, but you're just there, like a pretending mute, not being able to tell all the fuckery you've been feeling and suppressing. Why you choose to be in that state is because of one reason: YOU'RE SCARED. Scared that if he finds out what's plaguing you, it would also trigger his senses that there's really something wrong. Everything would just be messier and more complicated as it is. 

Are things just being played slowly, prolonging the agony? I'd rather face one swift blow. Slow, fast, the impact is just gonna be the same. 

-Nel

Que sera, sera...

I know I will never get used to changes. 

I will always have a hard time embracing it. It really sucks that I am forever letting myself be buried in the past and as preposterous as it may sound, I always end up sulking and drowning in regret. This is something I've been trying to get rid of. Coz what would be the point getting stuck in something that happened years ago? Should I just blame accumulated memories? Someone once told me that memories are cheap. So this might probably be one of the reasons why I keep holding on to it. Why even bother holding on to something cheap right? Well, this cheapness is irreplaceable. It's not something you can take away from someone and consider it as yours. Memories are built through time, through experience. I might still be holding on because everything was just so fucking good at that time. Good and simple. Who wouldn't want a taste of that again? The more I direct myself to the future, the more I cringe and shiver. My future is as blurry as the rivers of Manila. Dark and irreparable. As to why it's in that state is because of me. Bad decisions. Bad, stupid decisions. Funny how I like getting stuck in the past when it was the reason why my future is uncertain.

But what the fuck right?

Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be!

Adios for now bitches!

-Nel