Why do I have this aching and uneasy feeling that I am once again going back to the start? I still haven't gotten over the damages that I've done. The scars of the past still sting like everything's still fresh. I thought I've gotten over it, but surprisingly, times like this happen. It still hits me occasionally and with no warning. It sucks. I hate this. I will forever hate this. Shouldn't I have gotten over this since I've already accepted that I will forever be the one to blame? I am the only one responsible for what I've done. Bad decisions. Why am I even letting it linger in my thoughts? I can't even put an end to it. I'm starting to believe that for as long as I am alive and breathing, the monster that I am suppressing will always find it's way to come out and haunt me, or even worse, take over me. This is seriously fucked up. Once again I'm left without a solution to end this bullshit.
Why am I still even holding on to something that I know will never come? Miracles do happen, but in my case is it even possible for it to be laid down in front of me? Do I even deserve it? Everything is so fucked up again. Everything is so uncertain and blurry. I can't even see a spark of hope at the end of this tunnel. I can't come up with a sensible and possible solution to end this shit as of now. I am not even bothered if this too, like the old days, will pass. Should I let this monster linger for awhile?
Being smacked straight in the face with disappointments isn't even something new to me. At this point in my life shouldn't I be naturally used to this? I could resurrect all the buried memories all I want but it won't change anything. It won't make things better and bearable. I keep on running away from it only to find out that it's waiting to embrace me at the end of the race. Like there's no escaping it.
This is a fucked up cycle.
There's nothing left for me to do but wait for that silver lining. My own silver lining.
-Nel
