Ok, fuck. So how do I do this again? Squeeze thoughts out of my head, or so I thought that's how I should be doing this. How about endless ranting and cursing? Wait, I think I did some cursing on my first sentence - if you would even consider that as a sentence. It's more of an expression. And I am just rambling on so that my introduction on this post would seem long because when was the last time I've posted here? Scratch that... Actually when was really the last time I wrote something? At least something I consider profound or with sense. Ha! When did you ever make sense Jan Eleonor?! Don't kid yourself. I don't even know if someone's still reading my blog posts.
Ok, so I've just checked, my last post was on July 17, 2016. My excuse for not being able to maintain this blog? As always, I'm fucking busy with work even if all I do is sit in front of my computer and read emails (or pretend to read), clean my desk, do my actual job (when I feel like it, and I hope my bosses don't come across this blog), eat lunch, kill time on my phone (surfing, IMs, social media) then drive back home. Actually sucks that this has become a daily routine and I know I'm just trying to look productive even if all I do is just kill time and boredom. And I get paid twice a month by doing that. Boring, yes. My reason: I don't like this job. Why I'm still doing it: I'm being practical. Even if it's killing me and taking up so much of my precious time. I am fucking thirty, if I quit now (without a back up plan) I'd be in trouble. Like deep shit kind of trouble. Geez, I've been wanting to quit ever since I've started. Not that I am completely unhappy, my paycheck still puts a smile on my face though. And maybe some of my work friends still keeps me sane by having the same sentiments on work and our superiors and asshole colleagues. But you know what's surprising, sometimes I enjoy my job. Only because I am seriously being productive. I do it for real because it is my life line. No job equals no money. I need money. We all do. So to cut it short, again, I work because I need the money. Isn't it the main reason why we work our asses off? MONEY?!
Am I happy? Yes, maybe. If sadness is the absence of it, well, I am not. But I do feel like that sometimes, only because I let my emotions get the best of me. Like when I'm being too pessimistic on everything that has been going on with me. When I think I should be doing a lot better and not just sticking on to whatever is practical. When I think of doing what I really want. But really, what is it that I really want? There are a lot of scenarios I come up with but these do not fit perfectly well together. I wanna do a lot of things but they don't jive. It doesn't really make that much sense. But they do have one common denominator... it is purely LAVISH! So, since these scenarios do not fit perfectly well (or do not even fit at all), I can't come up with a plan to at least try to make it happen. Maybe these thoughts should just stay in my head. That's probably the best place to let it happen.
I should just put an end to this because I am just rambling on.
Back to work tomorrow. Damn you Monday. You are such a pain!!!
Nel
Branch Relations Officer (what the hell right?!)
