Shit, I'm not even sure how to start this so the first word kind of filled my point.
I've had countless of times that unconsciously slipped away when my head and hands itch to post something here. My lazy monsters still manage to control my life on some days. But, not today, yes, I say not today. So let's just get this done and over with coz I am about to exaggerate my intro.
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I have been asking myself this lately: "If you had to go back, what will you change?" My answer to that is uncertain, half of me wanted to change everything and do things the right way. But then, things wouldn't be the same now. The other half of me feels contented in a surprising way. Coz no matter how many fuck ups I've done along the way, those things honed me to being who and what I am now. If I change things and had to do it all over again, will I like what I'm fated to become? Will I still have the chance to meet the people that had become a part of me? But it just all boils down to a simple conclusion: I still don't know what I want up to now. At the age of 26, shouldn't I be able to tell and know what I want to do with my life? I feel like I've skipped the phase where you realize what dreams you wanted to turn into a reality. I've dealt with a lot of fork roads and I always manage to choose the wrong path. I am about to do that once again. By the end of this month I need to pick a choice between a realized dream or a certain future. You know what sucks the most about this, is the fact that I want it both. I've been asking for a blessing and now that it had happened, I don't even know how I'm supposed to deal with it.
This year had been nothing but a roller coaster of blessings and bullshit. I feel like I've been solving endless conundrums and I only end up burned out everytime I try to figure out something. Shouldn't I feel lucky at this point? I am able to go through all these bullshit and turn it into a blessing.
Ok, again, I should just sit nonchalantly and wait for things to happen...
-Nel
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