TIME: 12:37AM (at least this laptop said so)
MUSIC: hohum playlist mode on
It had been a crazy weekend. I had been asking for a break from the retail-taxpaying-world and a very unexpected nausea got me to where I am today. I actually don't know how I'm supposed to feel because tons of work is already piling up and I won't be able to come back to work til Wednesday. My PPT is not yet done, and that report is due on Wednesday, I planned every thing so well and it was running smoothly until last night. I don't really know what happened but my doctor suggested I rest for 2 days. Well, I guess stress got the best of me. So I am just taking pleasure in every little thing that's happening even if it seriously ruined my schedule, but still, I need and been wanting this badly. I just have to embrace and enjoy it.
You know how boredom can make you do something out of well, nothing? Labo lang no? Haha. I am so not used to sulking at home anymore and I feel like a worm drizzled with salt. I consumed half of the day by sleeping and another half of it by figuring out what to do. So here I am today, trying to juggle with my mixed emotions because I am feeling really nostalgic. Hohum playlist is turned on because I have been having flashbacks and it feels weird and great at the same time. I might end up reading my past diaries once I finish blogging. And now I have just come to realize that I've changed. I grew up. I am more mature now. Regrets will always be inevitable and I can't do anything about it. I have done a lot of things back then that I'm sure I won't ever do now. It's just the way it is. As cliche as this may sound, what I am now is because of what I used to be. Wouldn't life be bleak if you hadn't done some craziness in the past? All of it is just a thing to be laughed at now.
So, to be honest, I am in highschool-feelings-mode right now. It's been 8yrs since I've graduated but parts of those days still feel fresh. Especially those endless summer days. When pigging out and being a couch potato all day and night long isn't really an issue for me coz I don't care about my weight, only because no matter how many carbs and calories I accumulate, I don't gain weight. What happened to those days? I seriously want that back! And of course, highschool wouldn't be highschool without crushes right? I have to admit that I had 1 back then. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even have the urge to buy a cheek tint. Hahahahaha. So for all you kids out there, blush ons/cheek tints became a big thing in the early 2000. And J&J face powder is our weapon for oiliness, Pond's for ugliness and pimples! Anyway, about highschool crushes... mine is as embarrassing as yours. We all had that. We all felt that. That moment when you thought that you were so meant for each other that you'd go straight to college together, graduate, get a job and get married then have kids. We all had the same dreams. That's how futile I was back then, just as how highschoolers are now. Hahahaha. I am able to say this now coz I found out ages ago that girls my age had the same dilemmas. Funny right, but also embarrassing. Memories of this phase still haunt me. The I-shouldn't-have-done-that, why-did-I-do-that realizations that kept bothering me every time I read my highschool diary. Oh, did you know that pride and ego was the best thing back then? Right way to be mature! Hahahaha.
And now let's go back to college, thanks to that certain song, I've been reminded of my messy days in UST! Some parts of this phase is a bit blurry to remember, only because I don't want to remember it any more. You know how a person has his dark days? Well, this one's mine. Once college life started, all I ever had and felt running in my veins was total freedom. Freedom from parents and freedom from myself. I was so used to being in a small circle of friends that when I experienced the real world (yeah, sorry, that's how I've seen it way baaaaack, haha) all I did was loosen up. Did things my own way and sad and humiliating to say, became a rebel. Saying and admitting this now wants me to slap my own reflection then laugh at it disgustingly. I had a lot of regrets during this phase and I still am ashamed of it, well, just some parts of it. This was when I was introduced to the rock and roll world. Attending gigs was the coolest thing that got me really pumped up! And to make it even cooler, I had a drummer boyfriend who's in a band. Nice no? Hahaha. Before, yes it was, but thinking of it now, just makes me want to throw up. Dude, no hard feelings, I am just being honest and in my head it's all, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" Ang funny lang nga e, I've always seen myself back then as his own groupie. Not in a sexual way ok? Haha. So let me end talking about this phase coz I am purely ashamed right now! Hahaha. The past will always be the past. Let me just laugh at it now, ok mga pre?! Hahahahahahaha!!!
I feel humiliated by my own reflecion because of this post. But I am able to put this here because I am so over all the regretful things I've done in the past. These are the things that turned me to who I am now. I am ashamed, yes. But I am happy and contented now. Kudos to me for turning into who I am now. Salamat sa byahe mga chong, nakakahiya man, wala na ko magagawa dun e. FTPMF nalang!
Adios and good night... early check up tomorrow.
-Nel
FTPMF - Fuck The Past, Move Forward or Forget The Past Mother Fucker!
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