To start with, the end of the year black hole is sucking me in earlier than expected. I don't fucking know if it's the 3-month lockdown that triggered it. I actually don't even know what it is this time. Might be about time I give counselling a green light. Would be better to get validation that something is just not right. About time I raise my white flag. Why am I even bothering trying to figure out something when I've just been ending up in dead ends every fucking time I try? I'm still shit scared to strip myself bare, be vulnerable, be weak - off guard. Stripping down my concrete armour is never an option. It feels awful. People look at you all weird, you get sympathy which was never provided to you when things are normal. It's like being in the spotlight. People around you are so careful like you are some sort of a ticking timebomb, ready to explode anytime.
The sick thing about this is why do I even bother what other people think about me?
-Nel
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