Wholewheat

I have been asked two questions that just straight out fucking bothered me.

     

1. When are you going to get over your ex?
2. What do you really want?

The former, I answered defensively. The latter, with a nonchalant shrug.

I am over him. I am sure about that. No doubt. However, it’s the habits I’ve accumulated over the course of the relationship that I can’t seem to shrug off. It’s like I’m still looking and expecting for the familiar even though it’s with someone different. I guess you really can’t let go of things you’ve been used to in just a small period of time. Funny how I’ve been telling myself that I am completely over everything but it still occasionally hits me like a drunk driver. I am still haunted by everything. EVERY. THING. Sometimes I even ask myself if it was because there was no definite closure. And I still don’t know the answer to that. Also, I feel like I haven’t gotten hold of myself, the whole me. It still feels as if half of me isn’t who I really am. Some parts of me somehow got lost in those 9 years. But for that, I only blame myself. Why? Because I just naturally let myself get lost. Cliché? It is. It will always be. Isn’t that how relationships work? Not just you and me, but us. Like that Spice Girls song, 2 become 1. Unified. So when you decide to be just you again, you pick up the pieces of the breakage. Every intricate splinter. Because you want to be whole again. You want to be just you. But it’s hard because sometimes you don’t know who that is anymore. You pick up the pieces but you’re not really sure if they are entirely yours. And as you pick up the fragments, you end up wounded. Because it fucking hurts that you want to put it back altogether, without cracks, without any hints of damage. How do you find yourself after a long ass time of being who you used to be? How do you really start with a clean slate?

And so what is it that I really want? I want me. To be me again. But again, I don’t know who that is anymore. It bothers me if I want things because I want them for myself or because that’s what I am used to having. I even get frustrated if the things I give aren’t reciprocated. Old habits die hard. But they should just die coz it would be easier that way. Everything would be easier. Guess I should stop expecting the things I’m used to on someone different. That would be unfair. Maybe that’s the melancholy in all of this bullshit. Having to find a way to work every habit out of your system, alone. I know I’ll never figure out what it is I really want if I keep on looking for something that I am familiar with. I have to stop looking for the same thing. Reality doesn’t work that way. But what’s really fucking annoying is that I don’t even know how to put myself out there anymore. It’s like most of the time I feel so lost or just merely floating, getting swept up by the current like a dead fish. Funny how other people notice this but not me. Maybe I should just embrace being alone for now, or until I figure out how to resurrect my old self.

When did shit get so complicated? Or why did I even let it be?

-Nel